do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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