The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
