This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
