i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
