Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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