I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
