My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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