I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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