I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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