god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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