I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
