New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
