2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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