Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
