you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
