yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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