My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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