I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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