I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I cut my penus on the lid.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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