I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize