Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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