Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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