I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
