The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
