I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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