Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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