yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
