I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Randomize
