Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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