Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
