drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
