I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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