she was so not down for the gang bang
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
