Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
