you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We left the knife in your bed.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
