i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
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