Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
