The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
