new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
