just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
