i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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