I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I smell stomach acid.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
