When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
