I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
