I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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