her vagina looked like bernie madoff
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
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