See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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