She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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