Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
