We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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