I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
