I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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