I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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