Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
