She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have fence marks all over my body
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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