I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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