There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
