just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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